Tuesday, March 20, 2012

"I'll be thinking about God..."

He's growing up. 

He's processing. He's become quite an amazing little person with thoughts and concepts and theories.

I'm already holding on tightly. Trying to soak it all in.

Praying my heart out. 

Praying for the rocks he says that are stuck in his heart.

Praying continually that God will help me to see. See the situations in his life.
Help me to "get it". Get why it's hard or why he isn't understanding something. 
This prayer tumbles from my heart often.
Over my friends and situations.

Give me your eyes, Jesus. Help me to see it! Help me to "get it"!

Last summer, Austin shared that he just couldn't obey because of the rocks in his heart. I shared this with my very wise and discerning uncle. He encouraged me to ask him more questions about the rocks. How do they feel? What are they like? So, we have done so.

We've been talking about those rocks. And praying about those rocks as we talk about how Jesus works in our lives and can take the rocks away. Even when we feel them coming back, he can help us keep them out. 

A couple days ago, he was upset after a tiring afternoon and I could tell he was just needing rest. He was whining and crying. He finally said "I just got that zero rock left!" He told me he thought the last one was almost out. "And the branches are coming..." (and he demonstrated branches with his arms sticking out)..."The branches with the fruit...you know of the Spirit!"

He shrugs it off and asks for a cup of water.

I tried not to squeeze him too tightly and pray too loudly; but I was thanking God that my little one is getting it. I was thanking for the renovation that is happening in his heart. I was doing a holy victory dance.

I don't want to scare him into a sinner's prayer that will take him years to unravel and mean nothing and change nothing. I know he won't fully grasp the grace and mercy and all that is Jesus until he is an adult. But, I still don't want to coerce him. I want to lead him to the Cross. I want to pray for his heart and not just his behavior.

And oh, boy, it's hard to not just go for the behavior.There have been times when I just want his outward behavior to look better than his inward. But, I'm telling you, when my kid throws a tantrum in public or sasses me in ways that might make others cringe or questions our parenting, I know that I'm praying for his heart and the battle over the rocks. I'm fighting for his soul not just the next 15 seconds of peace and quiet.

I know he needs to get it together in public. And as our dear friends the Ezzos have taught us to say with grace and humility: "We are working on it." And yes, he'll have a consequence for disobeying. But, I'm gonna give him Jesus. I'm gonna give him Grace. I'm gonna hang onto the Cross and know full well that nothing matters more than the power of the Cross in his life. Nothing. 

Tonight after dinner, we had a discussion about Vampires. (Ugh. I am trying very hard to hold my tongue here and not offend some of my dearest friends. But, I am not a vampire fan. At all. Not at all.) One of his classmates has brought up vampires. And I've told Austin I would prefer he share with her that he is not allowed to play the "vampire game". 

He said: "Well, Mom, you and I are just different. I like vampires. You don't. It's okay..." 

He meant it in all sincerity. So we talked about preferences on ice cream flavor and colors; but Mommy and Daddy set the rules on what is safe and what is not, he started asking more questions. I also know that was tied into the discussion of ethnicity that has been circling our home and the differences in people. So, he was seeing this the same way. Just a difference.

We talked about good and evil. He asked me to tell him about evil. So, we started in the Garden and talked through Satan, good and evil, sin, and Jesus being our Rescuer and defeating evil.  I tried to stick with Jesus Storybook Bible language as much as possible because it is brilliant. It also keeps me off the the ledge of legalism and focused on Jesus.

He came and sat on my lap as I was wrapping up our dialogue.

I thought I had lost him or talked too long. He ran his fingers across my keyboard.

"Hmmm. Okay, Mom. I'm going up stairs to read a book with Daddy and go to bed now....I'll see you in the morning...." And he wrapped his little arms around my waist and squeezed me. 

He popped off my lap and started out of the room, and then he paused...I looked over my shoulder to catch his gaze. He he tilted his mischievous head in my direction and his eyes began to twinkle.

"And Mom... I'll be thinking about God..."

And with that he scampered out of my sight.

The thud of his footsteps pounded out each step.


  1. His heart is opening dear friend. I know about that deep longing of a Mother's heart to see her child be truly open to God's love. Thank you for sharing this glimpse into your heart...


  2. You are so sensitive, Jess, and this is so beautifully written! It must be a typical 5 year old thing, because he sounds so much like Robbie. Your approach is inspiring to me and it also helps to know Robbie is not the only one battling those rocks. I also appreciate SO much that you are conscious of NOT "scaring" him into something he is not yet old enough to truly understand. Plenty of time, and grace, left for him.
    Thank you,

  3. AMEN!! Very beautifully said!! My rocks are heavy in my heart at times too :) Blessings, Jenni